Ten weeks ago today, my life turned upside down in an instant.

I guess the change didn't happen at at once. It was a slow, quiet build up over the course of 6 weeks or so, but it was like someone threw a switch and everything changed suddenly. The tumult it caused revealed the life shattering changes that had already happened. And the ones to come.

 

 

One moment, I was a happy wife and homeschooling mom. The next moment, I was staring down the jaws of the word "cancer," and the word "widow" taunted me from the distance.

It all started innocently enough with a case of the stomach flu. First Hubby, and two days later I had the same bug (or so we thought). We rested and hoped to get rid of it quickly. We were both sick for a couple of days, well for a couple days, and then sick for a couple more days, well for a couple days… a little cycle seemed to be at play from the first week of December until Christmas. Then Hubby was well for at least 3 days in a row. We were ready to celebrate Christmas!

Nope. I woke up sick. I stayed home alone on Christmas Day while Hubby took the children to visit all the grandparents. He made it as far as Christmas night and then began to wonder if he was feeling sick again.

 

 

The day after Christmas, he was definitely sick again. Nausea. Vomiting. Tired. Dizzy. He didn't throw up every day, but he felt nauseous every day. He wasn't eating much. Many days he would throw up first thing in the morning, or would get dizzy from turning around too quickly and throw up. His hands started to shake all the time.

He went to the doctor on December 30. We began testing to see if it was his gall bladder. He had lost 12 pounds.

The first full week of January was really bad. Hubby would wake up, go throw up, and then go back to bed hoping the nausea would pass. He would then sleep until 5-6 pm. Then he would get up, have a late supper, have a snack with us later, and feel much better. This went on every day. By the end of that week, he was very dehydrated. He had lost 20 pounds in 5 weeks. He was now very shaky–  his hands would shake so badly sometimes that it was difficult to do things. Sometimes his thinking was very foggy, which we chalked up to dehydration. (He often forgets to drink and gets a little scatter-brained. But if he drinks a big glass of water, then he's fine.) We would talk about something and then 10 minutes later he would ask the same question that prompted the conversation the first time. When reminded that we just talked about that, he would remember. Not his usual fogginess, but I thought he was just really dehydrated from being so sick.

The second week of January was a little better. Hubby was eating jell-o to help himself stay hydrated, stayed away from water (it seemed to always make him throw up), and then was puking less. Classes started, so he was back to work 5 hours a day and trying to begin his class work. He was enrolled for 2 graduate classes for his last semester to complete a Masters Degree. A couple times that week he threw up once or twice at work, but stayed the whole day. He was still just eating in the evenings.

When he got home from work, he would immediately take a nap. Getting started with class work was a struggle. I don't think he had even figured out what books he needed yet. His hands were still shaking most of the time and he would often get dizzy if he moved around a corner quickly.

Both gall bladder tests came back normal. We went to see his doctor, who ran a whole bunch of blood work. That was on Friday, January 15th.

 

 

The following Monday, Hubby had the day off of work since there were no classes that day. He didn't get up until about noon, got dressed, but then laid in bed until 3:30 pm. He was mostly just sitting staring into space but sometimes on his phone. He moved to the living room, but went back to sleep from 4:30 to about 5:30 pm. A friend heard he had been very ill and brought us dinner. Hubby sat and talked with him for maybe 15 minutes or so. Our friend prayed for him before he left. Hubby went back to sleep for about 30 minutes. When he woke up, he looked at me with a puzzled look and said, "Was Daryl actually here?" That's when I knew something was definitely wrong and we were getting the doc to look at him the next day, and I would be pushing to at least get him IV fluids for dehydration.

But after I called the doctor the next day, things got much worse. I woke him at 9 am and told him to message his boss to let her know that he wouldn't be in at 10 o'clock. He sat in bed scrolling through his phone for 2 hours trying to send her a message. He looked lost. He just kept scrolling. He would often fall asleep while doing this. I kept waking him or reminding him what he was supposed to be doing. I asked if he wanted me to call her. No. He would let her know.

When I told him it was now 10 o'clock, he was shocked. "Oh, really! I guess I have to call her now." But he couldn't figure that our either. At 11:00, I looked up the number and called his boss myself. Then I packed a bag with everything we would need at the hospital for a couple of days.

I debated over waiting to hear back from the doctor or just taking him to the ER. I finally called the doctor's office back to check on what they wanted me to do. I told them that he now was really confused. They said to bring him in to the office. When we got there, the nurses both looked shocked and said, "He is really out of it!"

 

From that point, life began whirling. There was an EKG. An A fib heart rhythm. Panic. Nurses moving very quickly. A doctor who was very shocked and worried. An ambulance…

It all seemed to come crashing to a halt after several hours in the emergency room when the doctor spoke the words "brain tumor."

He said it was definitely cancer.

I felt my heart stop beating, and I asked the question I didn't want to ask.

"Do you have a guess as to what type of tumor/ cancer it is?"

I could tell he didn't want to answer me.

He spoke a bit more quietly, as if to keep Hubby from hearing.

"Glioblastoma."

I told him he wasn't my favorite anymore.

 

 

I knew too much about glioblastomas already.

I knew it was the worst kind of brain cancer to have.

I knew they grow very quickly.

I knew that they don't have a good treatment for them yet.

I knew my life would never, ever be the same. In fact, I knew that my life was now and forever going to be the opposite of what I had planned and hoped and expected it would be.

 

 

And now 10 weeks later, Hubby is still with us. He no longer sounds like a dementia patient. He responded so well to the steroid that was meant to decrease the swelling in his brain that he has been completely clear headed. After two days in the hospital, the neurosurgeon told me that he wasn't sure if we could ever get his frontal lobe working well again. He wasn't sure if Hubby would ever be coherent again because of the huge size of the tumor trying to make its home in my hubby's head, just behind his eyes. The same doctor was shocked to hear how lucid Hubby was just a few weeks later.

These days with Hubby are a gift. We have been able to make plans. We've been able to talk about our life stories. We've been able say "I love you's" and tell jokes. We've had time to explain to our children what is happening to Daddy. We've cried together.

He's weak. He doesn't feel so well.

But we also know that God is holding all of his days. So we'll drink in all that we can from each day.

 

I know this isn't what I usually write about here. But right now, I can't think of anything else, and I need to write it. I hope you'll humor me a little. I hope you'll pray for us along the journey.

I don't know exactly how our story will end. But I do know that life will never be the same as it was– unless God decides to just disappear that stupid tumor. (I'd be okay with that.)

But I do know that God's plans are good.

And I know that He will take care of us through any storm.

And I know that He makes good things come from what the enemy intended for harm.

I'll be looking for the good things.

 

Now to the King eternal, immortal, invsible, the only God, be honor and glory forever and ever. Amen.

1 Timothy 1:17

 

 

Have you ever had an experience that caused your life to dramatically change in an instant? How did you respond?